got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Every concussion has its silver lining
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
