My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
