you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
