im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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