a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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