You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
