If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.