The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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