It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
