I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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