You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
