Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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