there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
