omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
