i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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