Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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