I wish my penis had an off switch
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
