your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
