According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
