I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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