I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
