if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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