Umm I'm too high to move.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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