fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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