So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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