I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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