You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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