I'm going to jail i love you
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
