Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
