you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
