Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
