There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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