Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
