My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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