I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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