Whoa Z and x make the same sound
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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