dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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