i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you had me at cake vodka
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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