Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
