Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
