I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
