If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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