You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
