Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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