Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
