tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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