You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
