I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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