But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
