I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
