Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
