he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
