nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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