I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
