her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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